You are a person. You are not only your pain.
You are not only wounds and scars. You are also better things. You are possibility and promise, hope
and healing, daydreams, favorite books and favorite songs. You are the people that you love and the
people who love you. You are hope and change and things worth fighting for. This is all your story and
your story isn’t over. -Jamie Tworkovski (To Write Love On Her Arms)

I always have to be reminded that after the storm, there is a rainbow. That the power in the torrential downpours is temporary but the healing powers that comes after lasts eternally. I am forever grateful for the mission that is To Write Love On Her Arms and especially their latest blog: PostSecret /In Response. It hits quite close to the heart. And I appreciate the sentiment behind this post secret because this is something that should be addressed and I forever thankful. To put it into words, there has never been a time in the history of man, when the human heart was at its strongest. The strength in the human heart has definitely seen the good, the bad and the very ugly. I just know it will continue to grow stronger.

As for me, I’m pushing through everything with a smile, or at least I am trying to do so.

“Believe your voice can mean something” - Jimmy Eat World

F R A Z Z L E D.

Lately that’s among the emotions that I’ve been feeling and it hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Whatever “it” is, it hasn’t hit me yet. One other reason for being a disoriented state of mind is that whenever I think of the past, I always over analyze the situation and then I don’t exert the greatest effort possible. I find that this is generally my style of being normal or as normal as I’ll ever be. I won’t ever get why I do this but I’ve learned that it is no use pushing my limits and boundaries. Sometimes going with the flow is the best solution to get un-frazzled. Typically I find that I feel more relaxed when I breathe in deep and exhale slowly the worries away.

This week will have a whole lot of goodness in it. I’m going to work on somethings that I still need to do for Urban Rock Promotions. I’m excited for the big things that is constantly stirring in my head.

ps. follow me on twitter, if you haven’t. twitter

Initially the decision to stay up late was made solely because I need to sort out certain thoughts, remedy certain feelings I am harboring in me and remembering why it is that I am still breathing. Why have I managed to stay above water level when life expects me to drown in it? I’ve been dealing with a lot of things and one of them happened to be the one that took me the longest to face. And then I get this Facebook message:

Don’t worry about what has happened or what is happening, just remember what will happen.

That line alone made me realize how strong my heart is. I’ve definitely been blessed with things that I couldn’t even begin to list and even if I was to list them, it would be an infinite one. I read somewhere that “we as humans are too blessed to be stressed”. So why do we always fear the worst? Or start to second guess what we’re capable of doing. There are days, where my thoughts run off and I am not myself. Then there are days when things just seems to fall into place for me and I can’t help but smile. I know what I want and what I want is something that you can never take away from me. I maybe small in size but I know for a fact that my heart is the strongest its ever been. I’m proud of who I am, what I have accomplished and not many people can say that they’ve fought through my battles. I’ve got battle scars to prove it but none that you can see and personally I don’t care if you can see them. I wake up blessed to be breathing and happy that I’ve survived another day.

I’m happy and you all should be happy as well. In other news, I should be finished editing the Believer’s Never Die tour pictures. I’m a perfectionist and I always look at going “It doesn’t look right!”

Last night my Moleskine [journal] and I had a heart to heart and secrets were revealed, fears were let loose and the worst assumptions were laid to rest. I wrote a bunch letters last night which in the end went unsent because frankly I just needed to write down certain things to a handful of people that just couldn’t be left unsaid. It made me feel a whole lot better knowing that I don’t have to keep those things harbored inside of me. I also went to church (on Sunday) for the first time in 4 weeks and just being able to walk up to someone’s open arms and just stand there and let them shake you around a bit was quite comforting. Being able to just get hugs without ever asking why or even questioning the intentions. What can I say? I’m just a physical person.

I’ve also been updating my flickr photostream like crazy and have been getting some great reviews. Kind of considering shooting photography for a few concerts that are coming up….but that’s not until after the semester. Speaking of which, I was listening to “When It Rains” by Paramore and the line “…and you sleep til May and you say you do not wanna see the sun anymore” and I had like a major total epiphany. As much as I want to do that and push everything and anything to the wayside. I can not because May will come and I will have to face it, so why not prepare myself for it. Right? Just a few more updates and then I gotta eat brunch (McDonald’s Steak Burritos FTW): I wrote a new song last night called “Lighthouse” (hence my FB/Twitter) and it’s getting worked on as I type this. I am designing a theme for this re-design. Get stoked. I have big, big plans. 

Anywho, I am registering for my LAST semester of Undergraduate studies this week. I can’t wait. December 22nd can’t come fast enough. Senior Status on FULL THROTTLE.

There are quite a few days when I go without thinking about the past year because the things that are present in 2009 makes me feel blessed to be alive. Sometimes I wish I could skip certain days and weeks and just fast forward to the days and weeks that keeps me moving. But then again, you honestly couldn’t move forward to the future without realizing the past and having it impact the present. Today is one of those days and whether I like it or not, I just can’t escape what the day means and emotions behind them. A year ago today, we had to say our final goodbyes to Philip and for me that was the hardest week of that entire year. For me it felt like hope had suddenly became non-existent. I have to admit that February 18, 2008 was the darkest week of my life.

………..Dear Phillip

I have to admit that even though a year has come and gone, the pain and the emotions still run through me just as strong as when I had found out you had passed away. I never got to verbalize the way I feel about you but just know that I love you and I love everything that you stood for. I love how close we lived so that whenever we would go through fambam withdrawls. It was just a car ride away. I didn’t care about the time it took to get down there, just as long as we all was there together having fun. I admire your patient with me whenever I had questions about Photoshop, you were never quick to snap on me for that. NEVER. Your smile and laughter is something that will always stay with me…regardless of where I am at in my life. You’ll remain in my life. There are somethings I regret in life (like the time I didn’t come into your room to say goodbye) but then again life is too precious to sit around and regret the things we did or didn’t do. Just move on right? Through your life, you taught me lessons about life that even I didn’t realize existed. But it does and you showed me that. I have a new sense of direction, new experiences to be had and a life goal that I know I can acheive.

I just miss you like crazy and I wish you were here to help me learn Illustrator but I guess that’s the way life goes. I just think it’s unfair. Sometimes.

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View From Heaven- Yellowcard Live at The Trocadero (March 17, 2008)